Being Mindful

Mindfulness...being mindful...I took a class on this during my stay in the hospital last week. Well, it wasn't so much a class as a talk, since I was the only one who showed up for it! Even so, I enjoyed learning about the concept of mindfulness and have tried to be more mindful every day. So, what does mindfulness or being mindful really mean? Well, I'm no expert, but from what I understand it means, really being in the moment, experiencing every thing at a particular moment. For example, if you were being mindful right now, you would understand and note the smells around you, what exactly you are doing, the sights that you can see, the feelings or emotions you are experiencing, any experiences of taste and touch you are having right now. Furthermore, mindfulness means understanding the fact that the only time is now--the past is just a concept of a certain time because it's over and the future is just a concept of time because it hasn't happened yet, the only thing that is real is now. Right now. So, focus on the now. This makes so much sense to me, and, as a person who stresses easily and doesn't handle stress well and is prone to anxiety and panic attacks, this really makes sense to me. Since being home from the hospital, I have tried mindfulness exercises several time and find it very soothing, even cathartic, at times. I think continuing to practice mindfulness will help me with the anxiety and maybe even make me a better writer, as I force myself to be a better observer of my world. Here is a link to a wonderful video on mindfulness: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nwwKbM_vJc. I hope you will try it!

Guinea Pigs

This is Night Two of my hospital stay. Yes, you read it right, hospital stay. I'm back in. This is my fifth or sixth time admitted because of migraines! During my first stay here, I met others like me---people who had returned to this place four, five, six, twenty...times! I remember thinking, "What the hell?! Don't they get it right the first time around here?!" I knew very little then, though, I, of course thought that I knew it all. The truth is, with migraines, there is no getting it right the first time (well, maybe, for a very lucky few). Migraines are extremely tricky. There are several different types and several different symptoms that go with each of these types. Likewise, migraine sufferers experience their migraines in a myriad of different ways. Furthermore, since migraine has only fairly recently been recognized and, thus, researched, there are not a lot of treatments out there for migraine. In fact, there really are no drugs, specifically for migraines. All the preventatives started out as something else--antipsychotics, antiseizure meds, antidepressants, and it just so happened that some of them helped people with chronic migraine. And the abortives are basically the same way. So, you can see that undergoing migraine treatment is much like being a guinea pig, as they say, trial and error. So, here I am again. I tried to be a good girl and not take too many Zomigs, but, as before, I failed. What am I gonna do?! I just can't lay there and take the pain, and I hate going to the ER for a migraine! Anyway, to the point, I am here because I need to get off the Zomig. I don't know what the doc is going to replace it with. Truthfully, I am pretty scared. Also, I have been having a lot of anxiety lately and that needs to be addressed. So, fellow migraine ninjas (yes, you read that right--ninjas are awesome!), I am going to retire for the nigh, I can feel the Klonopin kicking in...

Stick around, Maybe You'll Learn Something

I am disabled. I can walk, and I am not blind. But I do have a debilitating condition. I am disabled, even though you cannot tell by looking at me. I have chronic migraines. The pain I live with is intense and affects every aspect of my life. So, why do I feel embarrassed or even ashamed to tell people that I am disabled?  There is no shame in this, right? So, why do I always feel like I have to explain myself? Because I do. People don't get it. Unless you live with chronic migraine, you cannot possibly get it. So, when I meet a new person, I have to explain what a migraine really is--it's so NOT a headache--and how a migraine can debilitate you, how a migraine can disrupt your whole life. Sometimes, I get tired of explaining it. But, I just swallow my pride and realize that when I have to explain myself, I am teaching somebody something not just about migraines but about acceptance and about not making assumptions. So, maybe all this having to explain myself is really a good thing. Well...I like to look at it that way, anyway.

Migraine Symptoms, No Headache...What?!

On December 17, I was feeling "off" all day....I just didn't feel right. I felt out of it, slow, just weird, not myself. In the evening, my symptoms started to get more pronounced; my vision started to blur and I felt dizzy and nauseous. I figured I migraine was coming on. These symptoms are common when I get a migraine. Then, oddly, my whole left side became numb feeling, tingly--even my face! It felt like my face was swelling or going slack, my neck all the way down my feet was tingly. I couldn't walk straight! I sat on the couch, thinking that a migraine was coming, getting ready to take one of my rescue meds. But, a the migraine didn't come, the numbness just got worse! Hubby took me to the ER. I have a CT scan and blood work done. They couldn't figure out what was going on. Luckily, I had an appointment with my neurologist the next day. I was still experiencing the numbness at this point. She put in the hospital and I had MRIs and and MRA done. Luckily it was nothing serious. The neurologist said that I was having the symptoms of a migraine without the pain, a "silent migraine" she called it. I said, "so, what do I do about it." She advised me that I just had to deal with it, just treat it like a migraine--rest, lay down, don't drive and, if the pain starts, take your meds. Ok, great! Now, I have to deal with screaming migraines and silent migraines! What next?!

Finding Peace in Glitter

 I am interested in so many things and try my hand at so many things, that I stress myself out because I want to do everything my absolute best--from parenting, to writing, to scrapbooking, to Tae Kwon Do--it has all been so overwhelming! The other day, my daughter asked me how come I never watch T.V. I looked at her, perplexed. I do, I said. No, she pointed out, you kind of listen to it, but you are always on your laptop or your phone or writing something or reading or doing laundry or something. It hit me--she was so right! I almost never allow myself to do one thing at a time! Why? Why in the world am I doing this to myself?! I realize that I do this because I am so afraid of not getting something done because of the migraines that I force myself to get everything done as quickly as possible. I understand now why I do it. But, I gotta tell ya, this is no way to live! I thought I had gotten past this, I thought I had evolved and was accepting my limitations. I was fooling myself. Now that I know this, I pledge to myself to do better. No, not do more things. I have had to cross some things off my "have to do" list permanently (eek!) and others I have moved to the "will do if/when I have time list." I have decided that I will do one thing at a time as much as possible and try to be "in the moment," as they say. I am freaked out about doing this. I have been trying it the past few days and it is weird and it is scary, but I know it is best for me. And, I have actually had time (and the energy) to do some cool crafty projects, with glitter, of course, and it relaxes me and the sense of accomplishment completing a project brings me is an awesome feeling! So, I will glitter on! And rest when I am tired and stop making so many damn lists!

Pushing the Limits

Since the last post, I have begun taking Tae Kwon Do classes. I was very hesitant, at first, because I was so afraid that doing TKD would trigger a migraine. But, I pushed myself. I pushed myself for three reasons, one--I need the exercise and the gym is getting way too boring, two--TKD is a great sport for fitness as well confidence-building and self-esteem and, after being locked in the house in pain and depression for so long, I need something to help me get back to myself and to become stronger, and three--I am so sick of living in fear! I have done that for so long--too long! I have closed myself off from my friends, my family, my life...I don't want to live like that anymore. I can't. I won't.
So far, Tae Kwon Do has been wonderful! The work out is awesome and learning the moves and forms is challenging and fun. And ya know what? The migraines are still attacking daily, but they have been for many, many months. However, now I just don't lie down, pop some pills and suffer the pain. I keep moving as long as I am able. And, if I have to lie down, I do it knowing that I tried, that I am doing what is best for me, that I did not just surrender.

Know Your Limitations

Being a disabled person, I hear this, "know your limitations," or "don't try to do too much," and similar pieces of advice all of the time. Good advice, I suppose. But, it is easier said than done for someone like me who has always tried to do my best, be my best and who has incredible responsibilities in my four children and aspirations for a better future for myself. I want to get well; I do not want to give up my former life of teaching forever. However, when I push too hard, I do get sick, then, I get sad and angry with myself, because I should know better. I should know that I cannot do all things that I want to do or that my kids want me to do. And, painful, as it can be, I have to live with it. I have to accept it. I can help myself by saying, "no" more. For example, to my preschool child's teacher, "No, I cannot volunteer to help in the classroom." All that fluorescent lighting and the shrill voices of a bunch of small children will trigger a migraine for sure. Do I want to help?  Sure, I do. But, it's okay if I don't. Class will go on. Life will go on. An open audition at a theatre a town nearby was brought to my attention. And, I really, really wanted to audition. I planned on it. The evening of the audition arrived, and I was planning to go. Then, I paused. I paused and thought about the long, possible late-night rehearsals, the blaring stage lights, and the stress.  I realized that, at this point when I am still getting the migraines every day, that I just could not do it. It was a sad thing for me, and I was quite bummed the rest of the night, but I knew I had made the right decision for me. I know my limitations. Sad, but true.