Monday, November 17, 2014

Unexpected Side Effects

Unexpected side, I am not talking about medication. I am talking about the unexpected side effects of being at home. You worker bees out there are scratching your heads and thinking..."what does she mean, being at home? I'd rather be at home than at work.." Would you? Would you, really? I suppose it would depend on why you were home. If you were on vacation, of course you would rather be home than working. But, what if you were sick? Wouldn't you rather be healthy and at work than sick and at home? Probably...right? These were questions that I never really bothered to ask myself when I was fighting for my disability. All I thought about was the pain and how much I needed to stop working, not because I wanted to, but because I could not work anymore.
Now, I'm home and I never expected to feel useless or worthless or so incredibly depressed. In my brain I know that I am not useless, I do as much as I can for my family. I take very good care of four spunky kids and one difficult husband despite my migraines and the fact that I am in almost constant pain. But I still feel it. Not going to work, not teaching, in my case, makes me feel less than. When I visit my kids' schools for games or plays or parent teacher conferences (especially parent teacher conferences), I can barely keep from crying. I feel like I should be on the other side of things. I belong on the other side of things. I feel ashamed when I have to say that I am disabled and that I'm not working. I feel worthless. I know I shouldn't. I do. But I cannot shake it. Some days I feel so depressed, I don't even want to leave my bedroom, let alone the house. Some days I am in so much pain, that I cannot do either, anyway. That just makes me more depressed. These are the unexpected side effects of being at home because you have to be.

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